Cake

Some of us are incredibly enthusiastic about our bodies, and I applaud you for having worked out this intense internal equation - but for many of us it's a long-running battle that we fight every day.  Our bodies go through changes every day and every year as we grow as women.  Some of these changes are related to our cycles, and others seem completely unpredictable.  We get PMS, we ovulate, we get pregnant, get fit, get sick, have surgery-and our libidos are intensely affected by all of these transformations.

Ironically, most women spend their entire adult lives struggling against nature, when in fact, our reproductive capacity necessitates that our weight and bodily proportions naturally change from puberty to menopause.   Its part of the natural cycle, and it's a cycle that we should embrace in all of its complexity.

Feeling sexy naked is a constant challenge in this over hyped world of ultra unrealistic standards of beauty.  The first step towards feeling comfortable in enjoying your sexuality is embracing your body image. Feeling good about how you perceive yourself regardless of your exact body type and understanding how your body can feel pleasure are the two keys here. Body image, both positive and negative, is directly linked to our ability to experience pleasure.

Start off by looking in the mirror and seeing what is right, instead of what is wrong.  The whole process of self perception needs to change, shifting the way a woman looks at herself - not changing the way women look.  Try walking around your apartment in the buff (although I recommend some good shades, curtains or blinds). Get used to all of your nooks, crannies, curves, bumps, freckles, muscles, smoothness, unevenness, nipples size, scars, dimples - they are all YOURS! Promote strength instead of skinny, pleasure filled experiences instead of sex appeal, being emotionally and sexually sated - instead of starving.

Finding pleasure in your own image may not be easy initially, but your body and your pleasure are yours to own.  It is up to you to decide how, and when, you share it with someone else.  In the end, this understanding what turns you on and gets you off also allows you to achieve sexual equality and mutual orgasm with a partner, which is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Once you've worked on your thinking about your body, the next step involves how you think about your mind.

THINK GOOD THOUGHTS

A major shift in collective thinking about women and sexuality has to do with the concept of function versus dysfunction.  Traditionally, when women have problems with desire and arousal, we are labeled as "sexually dysfunctional".  Well, before we accept that we're "damaged goods", let's define what female sexual function is all about.

Sexual function has a lot, if not everything, to do with your mindset.  You know how people say that men think about sex every 6 seconds?  Take that as inspiration, and know that your active mind can be part of a healthy sex life.

With a little encouragement, exploration, and confidence, women can fine tune their libidos by becoming attuned to your body's arousal signals; figure out what makes you hot and what dulls your senses.  Female arousal is not always dependent on romance or a relationship.  When you are open to what turns you on, arousal can sometimes take us by surprise even while sitting in the office, working out or hanging out at home.  Start taking note of when you are turned on and figure out what got your there.  How were you feeling about your body right at that moment?  I expect that you were feeling pretty darn good.  That's right - you're sexy, and you know it.  To be desirable, you first how to learn to embrace your desires.

A woman should know what turns her on. Whether they involve far-fetched adventures or steamy real-life like encounters, our fantasies are diverse, kinky and creative stemming from unfulfilled or fulfilled experiences, or taboo scenarios that we would never want to try out in reality but that turns us on in our minds.  We may choose to share them or not, but in the end they give us the nourishment we need.

EXPLORE YOURSELF

For many women, masturbation or other forms of physical self-exploration, is our first real encounter with our sexuality. This is a natural step to take when we first experience arousal.

Unfortunately, on a cultural level - masturbation is often forcibly hidden and many people develop feelings of guilt and shame surrounding it. In fact, there's no doubt that masturbation is a healthy step to sexual discovery. The notion that women should love themselves--love their butts and breasts, lips and vulvas and everything in between, is of critical importance to feeling comfortable about your body and to the experience of sexual pleasure. When we learn to love our bodies, orgasms will be more plentiful. Loving your body also means you are more freely able to express sexual desires and needs and to experience all the pleasure that sex has to offer.

Self-exploration is the key to understanding your anatomy. It isn't just about preventative medicine, and focusing on the STDs we should be looking out for (which is also an essential element of a healthy sexuality), but rather the key is to ensure everything is working properly.  Over the years we've learned that women have an extensive, responsive, and interactive sexual system - just like the boys.  Now women are embracing masturbation more and more because it allows us to know our bodies, discover what we want, and express that want to our partners.  Masturbation is a first step in our personal sexual evolution, and it enhances our sexual self-esteem.  The styles, props, the times, the places, and the fantasies differ from one woman to the next, but all masturbation is the common pursuit of self-love.  You have to love yourself before you really learn to be loved.

The female orgasm is commonly thought of as both more difficult and more complex to achieve than the male orgasm.  As a medical fact, there is no anatomical explanation behind this myth. Achieving orgasm is not a passive body function.  The big O in orgasm is actually a physical and often-explosive release of built up muscle tension.  Overall an orgasm is one of the most pleasurable, indulgent and important experiences a woman can have. There is no such thing as a bad orgasm.  Stress relieving, body cleansing, emotionally bonding, mind clearing and pleasure filling; orgasms have a place in each and every day of our lives.

SHARE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED WITH A PARTNER

Once you've figured out your body, it's time to incorporate share what you've learned with a partner.   Sexual satisfaction includes both giving pleasure and receiving it.  Alas, many women still don't speak up in bed, either because we don't know what to ask for or we have trouble asking for it.

The biggest myth here is that during intercourse, women orgasm from a unique form of stimulation that is different from what gives us pleasure on our own.  On the contrary, the very same techniques that we have discovered on our own are the techniques that will work for us during intercourse.  This means you have to take control.

Quality counts much more that quantity.  But let's face it, most great sex doesn't just miraculously happen on its own.  It takes lots of know-how to make sure both players are satisfied.  Unfortunately some women still feel pressure in the moment to "fake it". Why?  Because it just doesn't feel so great, and you don't want to let your partner down, or there is a feeling of inadequacy.  Try laying down a new rule for a while - make sure you come first before he starts down his well-traveled path to pleasure.  Get in touch with your body first, and then speak up when it counts most - and you will never have to fake it again.

At the end of the day, you are defined by how you feel, not by what someone else thinks of you.  Simply put, it's time to start feeling good.